welcome back

yea, i finally caved in.
i. got. a. new. keyboard.

now while waiting all these depressing weeks.  I have found some activities.
For instance, i was growing my own cabbage, inwhich i ingested all of it
and used my personal compost to saute some beautiful macaroons.

but wait, you say that doesn't make sense. THOSE ARE COOKIES.
well they are not your damn cookies.  so lay off the prestine fabric that covers my legs.

(i'm also starting a clothing line using threads spun from the backs of hairy people.
who are not werewolves, but they could be close.)

calm down pubic face.  my brain is off top top

I AM SO HUNGRY.  and besides being hungry, i want to eat a platoon of candy cane cats.


March on one by one, till the fun im done.  I'll speak when spoken to... unless you stick your thumb in your bum.

Ye' old adversary.
you are so old.
and for this i write you a poem
of how old you are.

i hope you're not dead yet
xoxo
Joe's shoes half off
peace
bon soir

AEROPLANES YEA RITE, i fly that shit for breakfast.

did i mention i was really hungry?  The food awaiting me is blended fish and eggwhites.
oh hell yesss.

the creator.

NEW POSTTT NEW POSTTT

buzz buzz buzz goes the copy machine.
wait. what's this?
it's copying nude pictures of yourself?
what. when were these taken?
and when were you playing with a grapefruit while naked?

you have to find out, you slam the door to your car and jet off
to spring awakening,
tho when you get there, it is rather cold.

that is because you're in fucking ALASKA.

great, so you turn around, run out of gas, and end up pushing the car
endlessly towards the next gas station,
you're parched so you buy a water.

too bad the water is filled with cigarette buts.

damn damn damn.

you don't have enough money for gas, so the owner lets you trade your car
for a full tank of gas.

but then you realize how stupid that was and ask for trade backs.
the owner shakes their head and says.

"no refunds"

balls to the wall, is what your feeling now.
someone has put you on a roller coaster and you don't question why your there.

but how on earth are you supposed to stand the daunting drop into an acidic pool
of dismembered limbs.

you blink once and all is gone.

all the trees, the sky, and the rest of the scenery is just blank.

then you have an sudden sporadic cough and starts to spew out color and
the building blocks to support life in this empty land.

and that's when your life started.

Words a plenty to feed the fat and hungry.

I mean, i haven't posted in a while because.
IT WAS SPRING BREAK AND I NEEDED A BREAK.

but now, im back, and i have a few tricks
and sticks
and a whoooole lotta bricks.

IM GUNNA BUILD A HOUSE.
and it will be especially for you,
my girl in the deep blue.
The fish that sings me to sleep,
and afterward you won't hear a peep.

mustard and cashews are the best combination,
mix and serve to the whole entire nation.

I'm a song write, a play write, a fantastic write.
but i can't do spells, or write anything that sells.

throw your bag over your shoulder feel its intensity sear through your skin.
it's because it is on fire, and you are a traveling fire salesmen,
born from the stone age, you brought fire to good people and made Johnny Appleseed look like a some broke dope, who ate one too many apple seeds and now his liver is in poor condition and he poops out fertilizer for trees.
Now his descendants own an apple orchard. Do not. buy their apples.

they have WORMSSSSS!!!!

it feels good to be back!
bon soir!

Whatever you do, don't press THAT button.

It doesn't feel like morning.
It doesn't feel like anything.
nothing, at all.

empty?

plain.
boring.
mundane.

Throat has a little scratchy scratch to it.
swollen vocal chords that make you feel like you have
a lump in your throat. Soothe it with cool water from the
tap. burp out some air that has been hiding in your stomach.
Scratch your head and yawn so big your jaw might pop a little.

giant cheeseburgers for eyes?
a slight twitch to your left arm...
internals feel hot and dry.
quick go jump in the snow to survive.
and eat it all as if it were mashed potatoes.
that would be quite the feast.
if you ask me..

good morning folks.

It's at your door. what will you do?

Happy travels.
A con artist is at your doorstep.
what do you do?
Well, ill tell you a little something something.
RUN AWayayyayy!
for he is pretending to be your father.
He may look like him, talk like him. Have the same scars he did.
But this is not the father you had.
This can't be the father that died long ago.

So the only reasonable conclusion is a con artist trying to get your MONEY.
Don't believe his lies when he tries to convince you.
don't believe his remarkably convincing back story of why he is still alive.

GO in your kitchen, pick up the meat cleaver and start banging pots to freak him out. Start pulling your hair out and ripping off pieces of your clothes. let your eyes BUG out and your saliva drool. jump on the counter and try to air hump the light fixtures on the ceiling. Lick the backs of the knives and slide them erotically over your left nipple. Throw everything out of the fridge and onto the floors and devour them with no hands. Look up at his horrified face and scratch your nose, then continue what you were doing. Hopefully he won't approach. And just back away soo slowly, then suddenly dart off back to his highly waxed BMW.

Advice from your crazy neighbor, never felt so good.

A super beer

It's that time again,
the holiday where beer farts run rapid
throughout the whole country
reducing oxygen levels in the atmosphere
and allowing us to feel the natural
"high" we get when our brain cells
die from the deprived oxygen.

Pour some beer in your Cheerios
to make them "extra" cheery
Replace all shampoos and soups with
a fine cocktail of wine,vodka,rum,gin,tequila,whiskey,moonshine,absinthe, and of course.
More beer.
You will be transformed into that drink you crave,
Your liver will become your own distillery

and your piss will contain more alcohol than any other drink on the market,
The toilet bowl becomes a mixing bowl, have you and your buddies take turns
filling it up and then reroute the plumbing into your mouth,
to start the process all over again!

chug chug chug goes your heart trying to deliver every last bit of ethynol
to the eagerly awaiting cells, head to toe.
But sometimes too much is too much
and your friend becomes a foe
inwhich your body slams in reverse, and the momentum
carries everything you injest up and away,
and you close your eyes to only to open them,
another day.

-Cheers everybody, cheers.

Addicting games you should play

--

NEVER AFRAID TO TACKLE THE MOST EROTIC OF TOPICS!

Rumble rumble fart

MY TUMMY!
someone save my dear tummy.
It's pulling away, im going to have a hole there!
A black hole, or maybe a purple one. Are they customizable?
NO i must maintain concentration!
OHMMM OHMMM MEDITATIVE STANCE!
FLYING DRAGON WITH SCALES THAT BURN
like lemons in your eyes!
I am the lemon dragon!
full of lemons, full of despair.
Lemonade half off?

Ahem,
Welcome one and all to Joe's Nacho stand.
Fresh lemonade from dragons and fresh nachos
from our nacho plants deep in the heart of the U.S.
110% organic!
FEEL and SEE the nachos go through your body with our x-ray
toys given out in our nacho bags for kids!
Choose from the array of our radioactive colored sauces!
Some even i haven't tried yet, this gives you SUPER SUSPENSE IN EACH BITE
Beef or no beef? chicken? horse? Duck? Whale? Easter bunny?
Slam any type of meat in your mouth with those crispy chips
Don't forget to lick the tables clean! Plates are for barbarians!
Be served on the table, clean the table, and i won't have to hire a busboy again!

...Dammit i'm hungry.

Making out with your food.

Let's all do the hungry dance.
Ill fancy your french fry if you let me have some
tickles.
And don't worry where the salt may lie,For all i know it's buried in my sigh

The sigh that is so salty and dry
Like the sarcasm that hits you
with desert wind,
makes you dry too,
but dry isn't the only one, what about
a humid sweaty mouth,
full of spring showers that soak those around
oozing drool leaking out the creases of your lips.
Which would you rather make out with?


A slobbery fool or a dry spoken maniac

Imagine...
That dry tongue licking your mouth clean,
like sandpaper candy, or toothbrush bristles
filing away at the unseen.

Or the wet seal that wiggles around,
slitherling slowly like a slug,
leaving a trail between your teeth and gum.

Is there balance, something to find?
You search and search for the one of a kind
When you see it is there some kinda sign?

Or is it just chance, luck, coincidence?
I don't know, ask yourself. that.

Something smells fishy...

IT'S TOTALLY FRIDAY! WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?

go out have a ball!  or two if you are a real man.

Now what governs your mind.  Do you have your own little king, sitting on a tiny control tower telling
the rest of the assembly to do the fuck as he says?

Or do you like to contemplate things more, maybe have a president and a couple of houses try and bat around
decisions and solutions.

Maybe it's more free thinking, like the fellow anarchist that just wants to do whatever. --and the hell with what everyone else thinks cause it's THEIR mind.

Whichever the case, none of these governing mental bodies can brace themselves from the underwater pressure that squeezes your internals so you choke on the inner membranes of the cell walls of your lungs.

That is why we should all grow gills, a fantastic FANTASTIC idea.

We could lift weights so much more efficiently, impress even the most muscle craving sexplosion into your arms.
OH, shit yea, what else? YOU HAVE RAINBOW SCALES?

what?  you can just rearrange them to your liking cause clothes cannot beat the beauty of being colorfully naked all the time.

Some people may call you princess, but with scales you can spell out princess and be the smelly snatch out of the bunch.

Never have a "dry" spell again! YOU ARE ALWAYS LUBERCATED BY OCEAN CURRENTS!

and you'll be exfoliated constantly by the the brush of tantalizing sea salt.

WHY THE FUCK DONT WE LIVE IN THE OCEAN?

The Elmers glue, a doorway to creativity.

sooooooo, anyway. how you are? what are you doing tonite?will that include a sac of watermellons?
And that sac being your boobs,
SO CAN I EAT YO WATTA MELLONS!?

im parched and need hydration from the lickity sweetness of the land of tits
or by god damn i'll throw a fit!

I'll whine and scream just like a child you wish you never had.
I'll throw my peas out the window and it will land on the newly fixed windshield,
broken by a previous bowl of mooshy fewd.


I'll run around and feed your cows, and yes i mean THOSE COWS.
The cows that are your tits, your beautiful utters that flomp around without support,
'less of course they are bit on the shy side and don't hang loose like a drunk senior citizen.
Then by all means show your mounds, the proud things you have found when you started
to develop hair under there.

Moving along pubic hair and such, what about the pimples some people never got, don't you wish you could
just flick yours off and onto their spotless face?  A little splatter art with puss and blood for those who know all too well what happens when you pop a serious "biggie".

But it's cool, you grow older and understand it all.  The birds and the bees become natural things like they always have been.  You live amongst flowery dreams and nestle in your own creativity.  You want to tell others what you have found, but they are so uptight and dreamless that they have lost what it really means.


don't be a fool, stay cool, cause that's all you.

They have come BACK!

I HAD TO STOPEEEEE

cleaning my room became way to intense and i started having dancing seizures
which made putting my clothes back on my hangers utterly impossible!

I also love crepes!  YOU SHOULD TOO.
because they are sooo lean, so thin, so floppy.
just like my ideal mate.

Then i'll ask this mate or if it's the first time, date.  To pour delicious
oozy strawberry comPOTE all over her body.  So i can eat her up in
tiny sections little by little.

Does this sound sexual?  Cause it's not.

Anyway, breathing out kidney juice from your pores doesn't sound like
a nice way to die.

Yoyoyo i'm not responsible for anything you do with your kidneys.

All those drug infections from overdosing on bread.

silly kids, BREAD IS FOR THE DEAD.

ithink i'll make a cereal, made out of the unhappiness that people emit
so unhappiness equals poo
which trancends to food for trees.

WHICH MAKES TREES EVIL.
It's a good thing we cut down so many, i don't know what i'd do if they
started to overrun our peaceful civilizations and make forests!
WE'D BE SO FUCKED!

no more easy street to get your morning coffee cause there is a FUCKING
OAK TREE IN YOUR PATH! YOU LOSE!

and that's how the human civilization dies.

Dirty talks from the Bathroom!

Bloggidittydo my god look at my poo!

it's rock hard, its sought after, its constipation all into one!
it's like coal, just something you could really mole.

For the time being, lets pretend that poo is priceless, a chemical reaction
the result from cooking your food twice, once on the stove and then reheated
in your metaboloven.

It gives me the jitters, it gives me a breath of relaxation
cept when the potty is dirty and mean
for one too many times have i seen it so obscene

piss and paper line the seat.
How could my butt ever meet?
Do i stand legs spread apart ready to drop bombs?
Or do i hunch over ready to throb?

Bathroom jokes are always funny and odd.
Someone making noises next to you like an animal.
Are you afraid of them crawling underneath the stall?
Or are you just worried about laughing your lungs out and choking on the smell.

Poo well my folks. poooooo well.

BREAKING IDEA

So while eating my king sized slice of pizza,
i thought of something.

Here you go :)

Salads are stronger than you may think.

Lazy day.

If it's possible, im taking a day off today from any exciting posts.
But! Tomorrow will bring a new sense of life into my soul.
And banish the strange melancholy that runs my brain at the moment.

i'll post...4 times!

Now everyone enjoy the fasting of the insane.
And be ready to feast tomorrow!

For we will be knighted sir, mrs, dr, WHATEVER title YOU want!

(FEEL FREE TO POST IN THE REQUEST SECTION)
:cough:

thank you. :)

oh! And also, the theme song for the site is actually taking a REALLY long time.  It'll be worth it though.  Sooooo worth it.

I feel like i should leave you something....



Here you go! ehehehe

I'm one of the knights of the round table...so i'm legit.

There are Potato Monsters Having an Anti-Climatic War in my Soup.

WHOAAAAAA, THERE IT GOES THERE IT GOES DO YOU SEE IT?!

It’s cowboy juniper face!

Riding around all-over the place.

Soooo I’ve been spending the last few hours trying to break the code of this dishwasher.

My goal is to access the mother of all dishwashers.

…To find a dishwasher that cleans your dishes BEFORE they even get dirty.
So never fear!
I'll share this wealth!

And all your glasses will be crystal clear!

Blueberries are fun…if you know how to use them correctly.  Secure the ripest most plump berries you can find, and attach them to your body in the following fashion.

1.        Left nipple

2.        Right nipple

3.        Center of chin

4.        Armpit left

5.        Legpit right

6.        Casually place some blueberriee puree in your belly button

(If you have an "outie" skip the last step to avoid terminal depression)

Now you have SUPER POWERS! ABLE TO FACE THE EXTREMIST OF TEMPERATURES OF THIS EARTH. (and be awesome at 4 square)

It is also a known fact that this arrangement of blueberries shifts your biological structure to make you attract even the most elusive people!

You will have the women/men/animal/object of your dreams LICKING YOUR BLUEBERRIES FOR EXTRANEOUS AMOUNTS OF TIME.

Huffle puff the train is coming to town, and nothing is stopping it.

Hope it doesn't crash...Good day!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll be working on a theme song for the next couple of days.  Sit back and await the auditory stimulation that will make your kneecaps like jingle bells!

-Joe

Man oh man...When was this written? I have no clue! But here is a story for you!

Late night, damn night, every way of doing night.

“In an elegant way, you elegant dick.” 

This conversational poem is ratherly thick.  Why is it thick you ask, don’t tell me you don’t know.

It’s the chocolate pudding, under your breast.

It’s the fact you are so young and cool.

But I only use you for your pool.

Why be so cruel.

I have decided as plainly you can see, that might and magic be difficult for me.  Try my hardest you know it’s my best.  Having a sip of that last cigarette.

Cooling your throat with that thick thick wine.

It is weird and oddly cruel.

And, everyone plays me for a fool.

Shame on you!

Sit on my stool.

Now put on a hat and say you’re the fool.

For if you don’t I shall not shudder,

Give’th you ask and takith’ you want!

That I be the greatest you will ever taunt!

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,……………../////////////l.,l.,mmm,l,mmm,l,.lll.,;ll.,l,mm,l,m,.l,mmnbbvvcxzzasaxsdwdscxdfdsefdsdsdseeeddewedsrtrtrfedsdsewsdfghjjuuhjuyyuyuiooioiuyuyoujihyuiuy  mm,n   xc cxcvbv ,m,b,mmnbn   nbjhjkiulkhjhjhhghmnjhm,jkjhbvcfdrtrefdfgdssssssssdfghhtghyuyuiooilukjmbbnhhjkkijjkilkooikjhgsdghjhythgdfdfdfcccvbnnhgffvv cvdfghgbbdvcxz  bvffgkknv54 546 97 5435  765 gf mmm nmn,mnjhytrdsaxcvb

That was me making music with my keyboard.  The person sitting next to me must think i really like my school work.  Props Mavis Beacon, props.

So now I’ll try to rewrite things,

Let the new notes dance with the old and wise.

They all wrap together, the old and the young.

Give breed to a new life, all full of fun.

I'm done.

3:59 am talks

"DON'T TRY TO TAME THE WILD BADGER IN YOUR BACKYARD", scream the first lines of text.  Bellow, in much a much more casual font, it reads, "And by the way don't eat the canned peaches in the fridge, you're extremely allergic to the syrup."  --Damn. I knew i shouldn't have faxed myself such an important thing.  While waiting ever so patiently by the fax machine i grew famished and ate the peaches in my fridge.  Luckily for me, i planned ahead of time and faxed my prescription slip for my medication...It should come....Any second now.  The machine blips and yells, "ERROR YOU ARE OUT OF PAPER, YOU ARE FOOL".  I'm out of paper?  What on earth?  Must be...oh right.  I faxed my autobiography to myself  early today.  And i didn't even get to the part where i lose my virginity.  *sigh*  It was kind of anti climactic anyhow.  The only thing i felt was the shocking realization that my penis was in a vagina.  She was also kind of old...meh, I should find some paper and fax 911, my fingers are starting to look like slices of peach...


Proudly sponsored by the kill your fax machine before it kills you foundation.