Morning Wood

So my brains a little tired,
it's wired.
i'm fired.
with passion deep within,
that runs my veins and arteries thin
with a lazy left lung,
it's hard to inhale
all the pollution of your sick naughty ideas
permeating through my walls and windows
telling me to stick my wee wee in places i shouldn't
like dryer fans and oblong seals.
so vanish my boredom rain,
and wash it down through the crust of the earth
and feel it bubble with excitement and glee
and erupt into a mighty volcano, for the top of the world
to see

masturbation procrastination

STOP, HALT!
take those hands out of your pants.
stop squeezing your little friend till it turns blue!
that's just sad of you,
wait a while and then you'll see.
how anticipation is the key.
you want that fountain to shoot sky high?
then crack your knuckles and massage those arms.
for the task ahead, you better be armed
to the teeth with sexual fantasy.
you want to be breathing oh so heavily
grab the edge of your seat like your flying free
the worlds tallest roller coaster is just a joke,
compared to what you are about to invoke
it's the call of the wild,
song of the wolves
those molecules within you are about to explode!
stop and take it slow for a while,
sip some wine if you have the time
enjoy, and massage that puppy of yours
but don't rub it too hard
unless you want sores.
procrastinate? what was i saying,
finish now i'm done with this playing.

Underwear and song.

Bring them, out.
all your unused underwear.
i have yet another brilliant business plan.
to sell used underwear to all the perverts of the land!

i'll bejewel them, encrust them with fine gold dust,
lace some up or lace others down.

and yes i'll even take the ones with a little bit of brown.

make sure you don't wash them.  They are unique to their owners.
people want the special smell of your penis sweat.
or the leaky residue from an over excited vagina.

and the more holes, the more thrills.
i always say.

AND NOW LETS SING!

It has returned.

Not much to say about this one, other than it will be sold at your local Toys R Us for 5,000 dollars VERY soon. Get em' while they are in stock and hot hot hot.  Your kids will be preoccupied with this game soo much that you can neglect them as much as you want! THINK of the money you would save in the long run.

Coupons available if you ever have the urge to donate your hair for my life size wooly mammoth model.

-pubic hair accepted.

Pool Party

Don't go poopoo in the poolpool.
'cmon, no-one wants a floating battleship composed of
shit and other toxic materials.
And if you happen to have very dense rockhard poop.
NO ONE WANTS TO STEP ON SUBMARINES,
especially if they are mutated and decide to replicate
by shooting out tiny torpedo turds.

That's a nono for pool etiquette.
You need big adventure balloon floaty things.
Where you play sudden death matches NAKED.
better be well acquainted with your sudden death opponent.
Otherwise sexual harassment calls will be sent,
and you will be sent to jail and end up shitting
a mixture of poo and pain.
And if you're a woman, you will come out of prison
with a hole so wide that it'd have to be inspected every month
for weird makeshift sex objects and shanks that may have been
lodged in the upper ridges of your vagina canal.

And by canal i mean the ones you can tug a barge along by mule,
filled with treasures and silks from the far east you nincompoop.

trading is a fascinating trade isn't it?
wordy words give words a bad name, like your face after you make out with a blender.
Install programs in 3 easy steps
- bang your head on the keyboard
- rip all articles of clothing off
- massage your power chords like a garden snake.

don't offend, be a friend.
:]

They all fall down.

Sometimes i like to breathe Oscar Meyer wieners out my nose.
Don't judge. It's the best way to prepare
a delicious meal for a party.
Snot makes the best garnish for your wiener.

Partying is special. A time to celebrate living.
Or if it's an ACTUAL occasion for once.
like groundhog day.
OR the invention of the furry flavored ice pop.
made from real groundhogs.

But we indulge into a social atmosphere and jerk our hips
back and forth to the heavy bass waves
singing "dance dance dance" to your bones.
Your wiggly little BONES.

Then a mad dog tries to get your bones.
You be like naaah, fuck that. MY bones stay
with me. Then you proceed to try and steal someone elses
bones.

Bones make up you. And they make up me.
Disassemble and rearrange and you have
JENGA! and everything will fall to the ground
because the original factory structure has been
illegally hacked and torn from the packaging and
put together by a bunch of inbreed monkey fish
that have only 2 eyes.

pff. the words that come out of some peoples mouths!
Lay off the drink, brah.
Milk that bong a little less.
Sterilize your syringe first.
And remember, happy thoughts always.

even if your jenga blocks fall down.

Personally i woulda punched the interviewer in the face and fed him those blocks one by one till he started pooping them out as fast as he was ingesting them.  Making him a perpetual device.  That'll be a good Guinness book world record.