Summaries of days gone by without a clue

So this is what i just ate for dinner:

And I know what some people may be thinking, "Oh what a lovely looking salad thing! It's so healthy!"

Well.  There is a sad story behind this pasta salad thing.

It is the fact that this is the reminents of food in the kitchen.  If i were to open the cabinets right now there would be an abundance of pasta boxes and rice.  The rest are ANTS.

We have a lot of ants and flying creatures that like to sneak into every orfice of this home.  It did not bother me until a little earlier i was trying to pour sugar into my tea.  The sugar was being stubborn and all clumpy.  I shook it hard and some came out.  I proceeded to shake and smack the box and much to my surprise a series of black dots with flailing arms was taking an afternoon dip in my tea.

Bastard.  I wonder how long he was stuck there consuming the little sugar we had left?  I do have to confess one thing: I lied about the tea.  It was actually almond milk i purchased because i thought i was cool.  I thought i would be even cooler by getting the unsweetened version.  It is not cool.  It taste like...boring and bland mixed into a blender and squirted out an almond's tit.

cute huh?

We also have a lot of these things called "House Centipedes" .  An insect i have always been horrified from due to the fact i woke up one day with one staring at my face.  That was years ago, and since i live in such a welcoming home to insects i decided to be more kind to them by letter them crawl up my arm so I can fling them out the back door.  But what I find most interesting is these fuckers eat other insects.  I saw a video of them stab their arms into its victim until they were still.  I have gained a new respect for them and would rather have one centipede rather than ants/mosquito/wasps all up in my shit everyday.  Oh wasps? Yea, i had a new wasp per day stuck in my bedroom.  They would get stuck there and start ramming into the walls and windows till they died.  What a strange thing to do. Am i right?

Later days
 
  

Dating profile for the young and hopeless

I LIKE BIG BLUE HAMMER
i'm disproportionate and have an excessive amount of FAT
and it's all around the knees
which look like inner tubes.
I'm losing all my hair except for the fuzz on my ass.
My body odor smells like wet snails doused in gasoline
I have as many nipples as a short tailed opossum (yes i had to Google that shit)
my breath requires a whole bottle of Listerine every hour to stay bearable
My clothes are the same ones since the 5th grade
i chew on various forms of non edible substances for nutrition
i do yoga naked on top of hot blacktop in the summer
I take showers by rolling around on a few moist towels
my fingers are like chopsticks
my brain is melted watery doo doo
one of my knees bends the other way so i walk like a G (grandma).
my family tells me I'm related, but i have a high suspicion
I'm not.
Sometimes i like to smell my own underwear
And no, I'm not good at sex either.

A simple workout routine to gain the perfect body.

So, i've been working on this routine to maintain the perfect
hot sizzling body that reflects sun rays off JUST as good as those
oily body builders.

i rub a dozen egg whites all over my body,
roll around in copper dust,
feed my leftover portions to my pet manatee
do laps around the pacific ring of fire every morning.
Chew on wood, for fiber and healthy gum development.
Then i relax in a cooling tub of hot fudge to clean my pores
and revitalize my sexual feeling for chocolate.

After just 2 days, here are my results.

Pretty irresistible right? Just imagine me in your bed. oh i would ruff those sheets,
arf arf, like a dog licking the carpet.
like a swallow eagerly awaiting more fresh and plentiful.
Gatorade.
is that all that's in you?
my sextuplet truffle chocolate with Skippy peanut butter on top?

And now time for some current events:

drug diet.

I have found it!
It's the drug of all drugs,
the one that makes you witty
and sly,
and makes everything look great under only one eye.
Your feet will scream orgasm! orgasm! each time you walk!
and even when you talk, your words will be carried out
on fluffy little clouds,
made of the evaporated happiness,
that is stored in your lungs.
Your kidneys will vibrate and stimulate your pee,
and you will moan and groan with exasperated please.
You will neither be cold nor hot,
but a mellow in between.
this drug will make you feel anything but mean.

However one should take caution with a lifestyle driven by mad happiness.
it can make you blind, and you'll spin off like a top
and in live in a world full of color and awe,
but that's not reality.
that's not all.

but go out and have a ball if you wish.
just don't forget to bring your favorite dish.
to the dinner party on Sunday.