4 Exotic Types of Poop and 4 Games You Should Try

Types:

Discovery Dookie

It's a new texture you have not felt before.  The smell is nostalgic but vastly different from the mundane poop.  You are surprised your body could make such a creation.  Is it bad?  You will have to wait until this rare occurrence happens again.  But as it stands, you think it may be a sign your poop is evolving.

The Sci-Fi Crap

You are levitating and this faint wave compresses your poo energy into a volatile beam. Have you seen War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise?  Or possibly the buster rifle from Gundam or Kamehameha from DBZ.  Just think of high intensity lasers and imagine your toilet is the death star.

Analytical Shit

You feel the poo sludge through your intestines and you define this as phase 1: "the urge".  You sit on the toilet and calculate the bowel-metric pressure.  Will it explode or drip?  You conclude an accurate prediction by timing how fast your shit moves through the tunnel.

Dennis Poo

The poo that clogs your friend's toilet for days and looks like a Mondo Burger with undigested lettuce skimming the surface.  The culprit will typically ask for a stick or "something" in hopes of breaking it up and pushing it down.  Thank you for giving this poo a name Dennis.

Games:

The TP Challenge

This occurs when you have an awkward amount of toilet paper left.  You try your best to ration the remainder to get maximum effect.  You also hope that your finger doesn't break through the fragile sheets and dips into the fudge. If the bum is clean and you have tissue to spare you will be the hope for our planets future.

Submarine 

It is a game when you place a tiny object of someone else possession (the submarine) at the bottom of the bowl.  You hover over the toilet attempting to drop depth charges.  You typically win on your first try if you eat things such as burritos or bacon cheeseburgers.  If you want more of a challenge –try standing.

Consti-miners

Imagine a team of miners trapped in your rectum behind a huge boulder.  You cannot get them out so they call their miner friends to join in on the struggle to reach the surface.  This mining union builds until everyone is freed and drowned a moment later in a whirlpool.  I suggest watching Patema Inverted to help envision this scenario.

Creme de la brown

This is a lot of work.  I suggest you plan ahead accordingly in order to produce perfect texture.  Do your business in a blender.  Whip it so it is light and airy.  Then proceed to imitate your favorite things.  I mean but really...poo is the original Play-Doh.

Commuter Daze

The other night I stepped outside to go to work dressed like I sheared a herd of alpacas and rolled around their fur covered in honey.  Only to notice, how astonishingly warm it was out.  IT IS TIME TO BREAK OUT THE JORTS (which, if you Google, will lead you to a pretty established hate group).

Jorts defined by the less defined 

My commute is not grand as others.  It is in fact boring and littered with fond police folk.  Yet, on cold days it seems I have to either bring along my bedding or utilize the hover method to keep my ass from freezing to the decaying thing, once called a leather seat, beneath me.  For those who don’t know the hover method, think of a dirty public toilet.

My plan was pretty foolproof.  Cold days became more of a routine manner. I wake-up, dress, grab lunch, brew choice of hot beverage and then go!  Sometimes, I’ll also have a hot minute to evaluate my life in the mirror but then disregard it all because OH MY GOD WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL GETTING ACNE.  And I spite the little red bastard by shaking my angry fist at it.  It responds by throbbing and I lose. Anyway, the routine was foolproof aside from the fact that I do not own a travel mug and I rather make my life as difficult as possible by driving stick shift with a piping hot coffee clenched between my thighs.  Yes, I’ve spilled numerous times on myself.  Only dribbles here and there.  It was never as bad as when I dropped an entire cup as I sat down one cold evening and my entire thigh region lit up in a vapor of steaming hot coffee.  I did not know those tones of pain could be articulated by my mouth, but I continue to surprise myself.

This brings me to a point of reflection.  Am I stupid for repeating this same action over and over again even though it has literally burnt me enough times that I should spend 2$ for a travel sized mug?  Or is this a metaphor for my dream-chaser attitude in life? Is this why the government can't pass needed laws or amends?  Or am I just expanding this issue so it doesn’t sound like I’m too lazy to buy myself a mug?  Maybe mugs will be my priority when I’m 30.

So, my question for you to think about:

Is there something you've always intended to attain, and have the means of doing so, but never ever get around to it?

Because if you are lost, those are the best presents (not that I’m insinuating you to get me a travel mug, but…that would actually be nice!)

-Joe