Heavy Pollution

Cloudy thoughts, heavy air
No focus–

UGH why is it when I propel myself in a public situation I freak myself out.  The nerves that rush over my body that causes all bearings to fade.  I went to pick up my clothes from the tailor today (round 2) and tried everything on.  Again, a lot of things didn't fit quite right because I have to climb out of my own throat to ask them to pin something up.

Now when I step back and look at it all.  It doesn't make sense.  I know it's their job to do this very thing.  I am there because I want something to fit the way I want.  This is why I'm here and this is why they're here.

Once I have to ask for more my nerves catch flame.  I don't know why I can't say "this needs to be tweaked a little more."  So I get the big one out of the way.  I settle for 1 thing and threw out the other requests.  It is like going to a McDonalds and ordering a meal but only eating the pickles.

So I come back home. Try them on again. Say to myself. you know what?  I should have asked for more.  Why don't I think I deserve it?  I paid for it and didn't come home satisfied.

Then I think about it more.  And more. And more.
I put the pants back on. I take them off.  I stare at it on the rack.  I put them on again.  Then I mark what I wanted done.  Then I put them back.  Now I have to get them tailored again.  But I am too embarrassed to go back to the same place because if I didn't like it I should have just asked them to do it AGAIN not take it home.

So mistakes like this become expensive.  I was so sure of what I wanted when I walked in.  I slipped and missed everything I wanted.

__

I take a shower.  A long shower.  My roommate is crying in the other room because she cannot afford her student loans and they jacked up her monthly rate yet again.  Are they really scraping 750 dollars a month from a college grad who will be paying this bill for the next 20 years anyway?  In the end they will get their money.

And here I am.  I can't smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves because my throat is too sore from smoking cigarettes.  I have a lone roach scaling the wall that I reluctantly have to smash because I don't have time to be my tender loving, hippie self.  My air conditioning unit decides to turn on when it wants to.   My eyelids want to shut but I'm not tired.

So, I'll take an Advil and have a drink.  Try to calm my roommate and in the process calm myself.  Sniff a few lavender buds to try and overwhelm the dark shadows lying in the wrinkles of my brain.