A Cold Heart

Pent up energy.  It is this feeling that wells inside of me but has limited ways of getting out.  A bomb of emotions and thoughts.  Fixation only fuels it.  Neglect only makes it stronger.

So how do you think one attains a cold heart?  Is it the constant beating from outside sources that strain and pull on your nerves? You get sick and want to cry but you can't cry because that would make things easy.

Hearts can go cold after they burn too hot.  Feelings that make you happy can also turn around and betray you.  Not only do you start to hate those emotions but you want them to disappear. You get used to it and you go numb.  The grand gestures you dream of seem like stresses on your daily tasks.

I'm not cranky I just have a heart that is hard to control.

What does one do with a rebellious heart?  –it refuses to conform and rather go off on tangents dragging the rest of your meat carcass behind it. You can call that love.

Love:
The broadest fucking term you can find to describe the pulses sent to your brain. 

Used and overused, rinsed out and used again, put through the spin cycle and then used again when the toilet paper ran out –but wait there is another side so you hang it up to dry and hope the sun will give it life but it still looks like a melted shoe.

A really old shoe left on the street and a road crew comes along and pours hot asphalt over it and realizes it was your shoe and hands it back to you while it is still a semi-liquid.

So how is my pulsating apparatus feeling right now?  Well it varies.  I'll be minding my business and a thought will jog casually through.  And then I have to get up and do SOMETHING or else this lone jogger will bring all their asshole friends and their friends of friends and then everyone is partying in your head like it's the first college frat you ever stepped into.

It helps to have outlets.  Thus, when I spill some blood and try to make them into legible characters I feel better. It feels right.  And I hope nobody reads this but hell I'm putting it on the internet because the internet has an air of comfort to it.  This can be contradictory when you factor how many ugly things emerge from the digital space.  But, I like to look at it as a vast, ever growing universe larger than my hard drive. Which, I tend to break often so this is good insurance.

Until next time.